One of the hallmarks of codependency is an over-concern with the needs of others, to the point where others’ needs are frequently and routinely placed ahead of one’s own.
Many people grapple with this question: When is being giving to others a positive thing, and when is it ‘being codependent’?
Here is a list of ‘touchstones’ for how to figure out when giving is positive or negative:
Do I feel good about doing it? Before, during, after?
What are my underlying hopes when I help, and why?
Do I give freely, or with hopes of receiving something in return?
Do I give in hopes of eliciting affection?
How do I respond if I don’t receive affection/appreciation after giving?
Are my own needs getting nurtured within the giving process?
Does what I give take too much away from my needs?
Is the helping mutual?
Does the person I help look out for me as often as I look out for them?
Does the relationship meet some of my needs as well?
Have they asked for the help, or would they want/need it?
Are the gifts I am offering too many, or too large?
Do they feel good about having been given to, afterwards?
Do they use the help I offer?
Will I be annoyed if they don’t use the help I offer?
Do they expect me to give more than I feel comfortable giving?
Is my identity getting subsumed in giving?
Do the people who I seek out, seek me out as often as I seek them?
Am I paying less attention to my giving friends, and more to my less giving friends?
Do I notice and believe in the ways in which other people do give to me?
When others do give, do I internalize it, or look anxiously towards the next time?