It is not always easy to say where BDSM stops and abuse begins. In non-BDSM relationships, it would be considered abusive to strike one’s partner, or to call her names, or to control her actions. But BDSM scene folks often enjoy things like hitting, humiliation play, and domination. So, how can one tell when a line has been crossed?
The indicators of abuse in a BDSM relationship are more subtle, but they do exist. Here are some touchstones that can help you to distinguish between healthy and abusive BDSM.
1. BDSM play is ideally something that both participants *enjoy* most of the time. Sure, there are times when a sub performs an unpleasant task that will please her domme, or when the limits are pushed (as negotiated) on her pain tolerance. Sure, there are times when a slave has not lived up to her mistress’s expectations, and she endures the resulting discipline and guilt. Those things, if agreed upon, can be just fine. But over the long run, the sub should feel good about the sceneplay, the relationship as a whole, and her role as a submissive. If the sub does not feel generally good about what is happening, then she should have a safe way to bring the matter to her domme’s attention, so that the two may find ways to ease her discomfort. If the domme is unwilling to take action, or unwilling to even hear the sub’s concerns… then the relationship may be an abusive one.
2. The relationship should be supportive of, not detrimental to, the sub’s self-esteem. Over the long run, the relationship should be one in which the sub feels loved and admired, and feels cherished for her skills and for her devotion as a submissive. This doesn’t mean that the domme can’t ever correct the sub’s behavior, or that mutually- enjoyed humiliation play is out. But in general, there should be a lot more praise than criticism; and what criticism there is should be of the sub’s behavior, not of her basic character. Routine put-downs in the relationship are a form of abuse, unless the sub has very specifically requested that variety of humiliation play.
3. The Domme should express her emotions appropriately. Just as a parent shouldn’t lash out at her child in a rageful, out of control fashion, a domme should also not take out her day’s frustrations on her sub (unless this is something that the sub enjoys and has negotiated for). The sub’s discipline should be appropriate to the sub’s transgression. Additionally, dommes should admit it and make amends when they have committed a fault. Troubles in a relationship are almost always two-sided, and it is generally not a good thing to imply that all of the problems in the relationship would disappear if only the sub would [fill in the blank]. A responsible domme also keeps her commitments and promises.
4. The pace of the sceneplay and the relationship should be mutually agreed upon. BDSM play and BDSM relationships evolve through many phases of intensity, and pushing a submissive to go very much further than she feels ready for can lead to some traumatic outcomes. People can take years to progress from mild pain play to heavier pain play, and from d/s scening to 24/7 lifestyle relationships – and some players will not wish to go as far as that. It is healthy to go slowly with these things. A good domme will be supportive of the pace of growth that her submissive sets, and recognize that her sub’s trust is something that she must earn over time. If there is an agreement in place that such-and-such form of play is not one that will happen in the relationship, then it is abusive for the dom to go against the sub’s wishes and initiate that form of play. It is also abusive to tell a sub that she is not a good sub unless she does a particular act, or to threaten to abandon the sub if she does not wish to do a particular act. Differing desires should not be framed as deficits on the sub’s part.
5. Play should not involve serious physical injuries. A good Domme practices BDSM in such a way as to maintain the physical well-being of her sub. Broken bones, deep wounds, and life-threatening injuries are signs that play has gone too far. It is also not kosher to insist that one’s sub engage in activities that might put them at risk for a serious sexually transmitted disease.
6. Harm can be psychological too. If a sub is having nightmares or anxiety attacks or extreme fears about things that are going on in the BDSM relationship, then something has probably gone too far. Likewise, if the sub finds her self-esteem plummeting or significant depression arising as a result of the domme’s behavior within the relationship, this may be another sign of abuse. Additionally, a domme should not attempt to “cure” a sub of a strong aversion to a particular type of play by making her endure it against her will – this will likely lead to extreme trauma, not to sensual gain.
7. The Domme’s influence should not spill over to the sub’s job, legal status, finances, friendships, childcare responsibilities, or pets. A good domme is supportive of the sub’s career, friendships, and family role. She will not out the sub before the sub is ready to be outed, nor issue commands that would bring the sub’s BDSM role into conflict with her role as a worker or caregiver. A good domme will not interfere with the sub’s ability to maintain friendships or seek counsel. She will also not ask the sub to engage in activities that are likely to lead to the sub’s arrest or other legal / financial difficulties.
Grey Areas:
Even with the above pointers in mind, it can still be hard to tell sometimes when something is abuse or simply normal BDSM play. Sometimes a domme does not mean to be abusive, but something goes awry somehow and an unhealthy dynamic is created. Consider the following fictional vignette:
Antonia is a 30-something single woman who is just beginning to explore her submissive side. Surfing the internet one night, she finds a personal ads forum for people in her metro-area who are interested in BDSM, and she posts an ad. Her ad is soon answered by Jill, a leather domme who has been in the scene for a few years. Jill lives just a mile away, as it turns out, and the two meet at a cafe for chai one night. There’s a definite vibe between the two women, and they begin to date.
Antonia feels flattered that someone as experienced as Jill is taking an interest in a novice like herself, and she relies on Jill to take the lead in teaching her the ropes. For Antonia, it is a heady whirlwind of new experiences – during their first few weeks of dating she has her first whipping, she learns what the sensation differences are between floggers and switches and paddles, and Jill takes her to a leather club and parades her around on a collar and leash. Antonia is loving it, and she quickly feels devoted to her new domme.
Jill definitely finds Antonia hot, but all of this is pretty tame stuff for her, and she is eager to go further. There’s that new single-tail whip that she’s been dying to use, and her pretty wax-dripping candles have been gathering dust with neglect, and she’d really like it if Antonia would spend the upcoming winter holiday with her in an intense, week-long mistress-slave scene.
Antonia isn’t sure that she’s ready to go further – she’s just barely begun to process what’s happened so far! But Jill has asked her several times to do the week-long holiday scene with her, emphasizing that she really wants Antonia to be the sort of sub that she can ‘go to the next level’ with. It is clear to Antonia that Jill will be really disappointed if they don’t do this – maybe even disappointed in her. Jill is so eager to do more together, and Antonia wants to live up to Jill’s admiration of her. Antonia agrees to be Jill’s slave for the holiday week, even though she’s not entirely sure what being Jill’s slave will involve.
At first it’s heavenly… they make up for the lost time of their busy work schedule by spending a full day in bed. Jill ties Antonia up for the first time, and sends her reeling with a variety of sensations both pleasurable and painful, and then she unties Antonia so that Antonia may follow her commands to pleasure her in turn. Antonia spends the first day in blissful subspace, and hopes that every day will be this good.
But Jill is merely gaining momentum. On the second day, while they are playing, she brings out her ferocious-looking single-tail. Antonia has never felt it, but she’s heard one of those things being cracked at that club that they went to, and she’s pretty sure that she never wants to feel it. “No way!” she exclaims to Jill. “No way?” Jill replies angrily, “Is this how you behave as a slave? Slaves don’t get to say no.” Antonia is frightened, and confused. It’s true that she agreed to do whatever Jill wanted for this whole week. And here it is, only Day 2, and she feels as though she is failing Jill, failing at her role. But she remembers the scream that followed the whip-crack at the club, and it is too frightening for her. She falls to her knees, and pleads with Jill, “I’m sorry, Mistress! Please don’t use that whip on me.”
Jill is somewhat mollified by Antonia’s more submissive plea, but she also feels that her authority has been challenged. “I won’t do it now,” Jill says, “but before this week ends, you are going to submit to this whip. You need to show me that you can keep your word, or else you’re not the sort of person who I can be partners with.”
Analysis:
This scenario is a grey area. Some people might say that Jill is fulfilling her role as a domme, holding Antonia to the highest possible standards of domme/sub behavior. Some people would say that Jill is being abusive – Jill has twice implied that she would consider Antonia to be a poor submissive if she didn’t do things Jill’s way, and she has even threatened to abandon Antonia, if Antonia does not take this whipping that she feels unready for. Some people might choose a middle ground and say that Jill and Antonia’s interaction was unhealthy, but not necessarily abusive.
Regardless of how we label it, let’s explore the ways in which Jill and Antonia’s dynamic was less than optimal, and how it might have been improved:
Going too quickly, and forgetting to read the manual: First, Antonia and Jill proceeded very quickly to a level of domme/sub play that was well beyond Antonia’s experience or ability to handle. Most new submissives cannot go from novice player to doing heavy pain play or 24/7 play in the space of a handful of weeks. Both Jill and Antonia would have benefited from some education about the pace at which a novice scene-player typically progresses. BDSM support groups, how-to books, and online discussion groups are excellent sources of information about that sort of thing.
“No” can be hard to say, and hard to hear: Antonia should not have consented to a type of sceneplay (Mistress/slave play) that she did not feel a thorough understanding of. But without prior knowledge of the scene, she was very vulnerable to Jill’s judgment of whether or not she was doing things correctly. Jill should have responded to Antonia’s ignorance by helping Antonia to figure out her comfort levels and state her needs at a slower pace. Instead, Jill took advantage of Antonia’s desire for her approval, initiating types of play that she wanted but that Antonia did not. It would be helpful for Antonia and Jill to learn how to avoid manipulation within relationships, and how to properly assert, perhaps with the aid of a kink-aware therapist.
Timing… The timing of negotiations is another important factor. If Jill really desires only partners who are willing to someday progress to Mistress/slave play, then she should be up front about that when she meets new prospective dating partners, and she should perhaps limit herself to partners who are certain that they wish that type of play. Likewise, if she wishes to introduce Antonia to single-tail play during the holiday week, she should bring this up beforehand, not at a time when Antonia is deeply in subspace and hence less able to make rational decisions about her own well-being.
The “real dommes don’t eat quiche” stereotype: Jill may not fully understand what she is “supposed to be doing” as a top, domme, or mistress. In erotic fiction, and often in the scene itself, there is the romantic image of the domme who takes commanding charge of the situation, who knows what’s best for the sub, who makes the sub take more and like it. That “dykedaddy knows best” image can be a hard one to live up to. In erotic fiction, we often don’t see what really happens in healthy BDSM relationships – the domme first learning how to aim correctly with a flogger, the long months of buildup to more advanced levels of play, the lengthy scene negotiations, the sub’s feedback, the false starts where something new doesn’t work out so well and is carefully processed.
Sensitive new-age dommes? Jill may genuinely not realize that she can hear her sub’s feedback, and negotiate with her sub, and still be considered “a real domme.” Particularly in the 24/7 Mistress/slave community, there is often confusion over the question of “is it a real Mistress/slave relationship if the slave gets to list certain things that they will never do?” I would maintain that healthy, safe Mistress/slave relationships do indeed include that kind of negotiation… the Mistress has a responsibility to safeguard her slave’s emotional well-being, and she can only do that if she has accurate information about how not to send her slave into a deeply negative headspace. One can surf the net and find many examples of slave contracts that exclude certain types of play, and that list the dominant partner’s responsibilities alongside those of the slave.
Additional Resources:
An excellent tool that can help dommes and subs get to know each others’ sexual needs is the Submissive BDSM Play Partner Checklist, authored by the late Tammad Rimilia. It is described as a “quick ‘head-start’ to identifying limits, negotiating and finding common ground for play.” Communication is one of the best safer sex tools there is, and this checklist certainly inspires it.
Two other websites on BDSM and Abuse that I referred to when writing this article should be given credit: Considerations for Submissives and BDSM Relationship Vs. Abusive Relationship. These provide some further food for thought about this topic.
That’s it for this month’s column! Feel free to send me feedback – my email address is gdw@numenor.org and I’d love to hear what you think about this article. I may not be able to reply to everyone’s letters, but I will try to read them all.
Headspace – Caring for Your Inner Leatherdyke is a a feature column from Geri Weitzman PhD, originally printed on the former KinkyGurl website.