AbstractPolyamorous partners offer each other the freedom to pursue romantic bonds with other people, in addition to being romantically close within their own relationship. Given the prevalence of polyamory in the bisexual community, it is important that psychotherapists are aware of issues particular to people who are bisexual and polyamorous and who seek mental health services. The author will also present findings from her research on bisexuality and polyamory and will discuss implications for how therapists can be of support to polyamorous members of the bisexual community.Introduction to PolyamoryWhat is Polyamory?Polyamory is a lifestyle in which a person may pursue simultaneous romantic relationships, with the blessing and consent of each of their partners. This is in contrast to monogamy, where relationship partners agree to romantic exclusivity. This is also in contrast to infidelity, where someone takes on additional lovers without their partner’s consent. Polyamorous people commit to honesty, negotiation, and clear communication about each of the relationships in their life (Hymer and Rubin, 1982).In a recent study of 217 bisexual adults, 33% were involved in a polyamorous relationship at the time of the study (Page, 2004). 54% of the 217 respondents stated that the polyamorous lifestyle is their ideal relationship pattern. Some choose polyamory simply because they like having the freedom to date anyone they choose (Sumpter, 1991). Others find the lifestyle suits them because it lets them express their sexuality with lovers from more than one gender group. Counselors who work with bisexual clients should be aware that some of these clients will be polyamorous, and should learn how best to serve those clients.The author will describe polyamory, and will give an overview of the poly-specific concerns that are most likely to come up in the therapeutic setting, with ideas about how the counselor can help their clients to work through these concerns. It should be noted that most polyamorous people seek out therapy for reasons that have nothing to do with polyamory. They are happily polyamorous, and are seeking therapy for the usual concerns like depression and anxiety. Occasionally issues having to do with polyamory itself are the focus of the therapy. It is these latter concerns that the discussion here will address. Many of these ideas will also apply to therapy with straight and gay polyamorous clients.Benefits of PolyamoryWhy might two partners allow one other to take on additional lovers? In part, this has to do with simple preference – just as people vary in sexual orientation, so too do they vary in preference for intimacies with one vs. multiple partners. Polyamorously-inclined people enjoy developing each of the connections in their life as deeply as it feels right to (Blasband & Peplau, 1985), rather than having the intimacy level of one relationship limit the depth of the others. When both partners share the preference for non-exclusivity, there is a mutual commitment towards working through feelings of jealousy in such a way that does not involve restricting one another’s sexual behaviors.Polyamory offers several benefits. New aspects of self sometimes emerge as one relates closely to additional people (Ramey, 1975). Polyamorous partners are not as likely to feel as pressured to meet all of each others relationship needs as monogamous partners do (Knapp, 1976; Rust, 1996). There is an emphasis on differentiation and boundary setting, and on meeting each partner’s emotional and sexual needs (Kassoff, 1989). Polyamorous partners who practice communicating their needs and boundaries learn to manage jealousy in ways that don’t involve restricting their partners’ choices (Knapp, 1976). This leads to enhanced trust (Keener, 2004) and security (Ramy, 1975).Dixon (1985) found that polyamorous people felt less possessive of their partners, and less competitive with other people who their partners might consider to be attractive. Some polyamorous people experience compersion, which means feeling joy that one’s partner is sharing closeness with another person (Keener, 2004; Polyamory Society, 1997). Keener’s (2004) study participants noted an absence of worry as to whether their partners might be cheating, since the permission to take other lovers was granted freely. About 1/3 of ostensibly monogamous partnerships are touched by affairs (Spring, 1997), and polyamory is an ethical solution to the very common phenomenon of extramarital desires.Benefits to polyamory exist on the community level also. Polyamorous households of three or more adults have more physical, financial, and emotional resources to share than does the average two adult household. More people are available to split the childcare duties, house-cleaning, and rent (Makanjuola, 1987). Even non-cohabitating polyamorous lovers often form extensive kinship-bond networks (Keener, 2004), supporting one another’s households with favors like pet-sitting and airport-rides.Types of PolyamoryThere are several types of polyamory. In an open relationship, two people give each other permission to pursue additional relationships. Typically the original partners consider themselves to be primary partners, with the highest level of commitment between them (Labriola, 1999). The other relationships in their lives are considered secondary. This is in contrast to non-hierarchical polyamory, in which no one relationship is prioritized above the rest (alt.polyamory FAQ, 1997). A third type of polyamory is the poly-family, involving three or more adults in a relationship all together (D. Corbett, personal communication, 3/17/99, as cited in Weitzman, 1999). If the poly-family partners agree not to date anyone outside of their menage, then the poly-family is termed polyfidelitous (Labriola, 1999; Rust, 1996). Finally, there is swinging, in which couples exchange partners for brief sexual encounters but do not form deep emotionally bonded relationships with these lovers. Bisexual-identified people are less likely to pursue swinging than other forms of polyamory (Rust, 1996).How Prevalent is Polyamory?Page (2004) found that 33% of her bisexual sample of 217 participants were involved in a polyamorous relationship, and 54% considered this type of relationship ideal. West (1996) reported that 20% of her lesbian respondents were polyamorous, while Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) found that 28% of the lesbian couples in their sample were. Blumstein and Schwartz found that 65% of the gay male couples in their study were polyamorous, and that 15-28% of their heterosexual couples had “an understanding that allows nonmonogamy under some circumstances” (p.312).A History of the Mental Health Field’s Response to PolyamoryThe mental health field has come to value diversity in recent years, in such areas as culture, religion and sexual orientation. This standard has not yet encompassed polyamory. Despite the demographic prevalence of polyamory, therapists are under-educated about the lives and needs of polyamorous people. Most graduate psychology textbooks, curricula, and internships do not include mention of it.Monogamy is often upheld as a relationship standard by the therapy field, and polyamory is often pathologized. Knapp (1975) found that 33% of the therapists in his sample thought that people in open relationships had personality disorders or neurotic tendencies, and that 9-17% would try to influence a return to a monogamous lifestyle. Knapp’s respondents were more likely to pathologize clients who were in open relationships than clients who had secret extramarital affairs. Hymer and Rubin (1982) found that 24% of therapists surveyed felt that polyamorous people feared commitment and 15% guessed that the clients’ marriages must not be fulfilling. Likewise, Rubin and Adams (1978, cited in Hymer and Rubin, 1982) found that among polyamorous people who had pursued therapy, 27% found that their therapists weren’t supportive of their lifestyles. Page (2004) similarly reported that many of her bisexual research participants had trouble finding therapists who were affirming of their bisexuality and polyamory. Weber (2002) found that 38% of a sample polyamorous people who had at some point participated in therapy had chosen not to mention the fact of their polyamory to their therapists, and 10% of those who did reveal it experienced a negative response. Even when therapists who hadn’t heard of polyamory were open-minded enough to learn more about it, the client had to use some of their paid session time to educate the therapist.The polyamorous community is notably supported by one famous mental health professional, Dr. Albert Ellis, who in the 1940’s wrote a book titled The Case For Sexual Liberty, which affirmed the phenomenon of open marriage. Ellis (1965) couldn’t find a publisher for his book until the more liberal 1960’s. In this book he speaks about the frequency of non-monogamy in many cultures and affirms that “if any sexual desire, expression, thought, or activity is not morally wrong in itself, then it can never justifiably be termed sexually ‘wrong’ or ‘sinful,’ merely because it is a sexual act, and as such reprehensible to some theological and superstitious set of beliefs” (p.7).Some therapists now advertise as being knowledgeable and supportive about polyamory on forums such as the Poly Friendly Professionals List (Decker, 1999). These therapists are mostly located in major US cities, however. And even in the regions that list a number of polyamory-aware therapists, it can be hard to find one who takes one’s insurance plan. Many polyamorous people who possess health insurance end up paying for their therapy out of pocket. Polyamory-aware psychiatrists are even harder to find.In contrast to the studies on therapists’ beliefs about polyamory, many studies provide evidence for the sound psychological functioning of polyamorous people and the viability of polyamorous relationships. Watson, (1981, cited in Rubin, 1982) administered the California Psychological Inventory (Gough, 1957) to 38 polyamorous people, and they scored within a normal range. Kurdek and Schmitt (1986) administered the Symptom Checklist 90 (Derogatis, 1983) to 98 gay polyamorous men and 34 gay monogamous men, and no differences in psychological symptom reporting were found.Polyamorous couples in the Netherlands were found to have normal levels of marriage satisfaction and self-esteem (Buunk, 1980, cited in Rubin, 1982). Two thirds of Knapp’s (1976) respondents found that marital satisfaction in their primary relationships increased as they became involved in a polyamorous lifestyle. Rubin (1982) compared monogamous and polyamorous couples’ scores on the Dyadic Adjustment Scale (Spanier, 1976), and the two groups scored similarly in marital adjustment and happiness. Rubin and Adams (1986) followed up on the same couples four years later, and found no difference between polyamorous and monogamous couples in terms of the longevity of their relationships. Rubin and Adams noted that among the polyamorous relationships that ended, the breakups weren’t about the polyamory. Ramey (1975) similarly found that polyamorous couples tended to end relationships for similar reasons as monogamous folks, including unequal attraction and a decrease in the number of common interests.In the gay community, marital satisfaction, relationship longevity, depth of intimacy, and frequency of sex were also found to be comparable between polyamorous and monogamous couples (Blasband and Peplau, 1985; Kurdek and Schmitt, 1986; McWhirter and Mattison, 1984; Peplau, 1981). Likewise, West (1996) found that 88% of her polyamorous lesbian study sample reported considerable happiness in their relationships, and 80% would be willing to choose this relationship style again. Dixon (1985) found that 76% of bisexual swingers in her sample reported their sexual satisfaction in their marriages to be good or excellent. These studies should lay to rest any concerns about the mental health of polyamorous people and the strength of their relationships.Bisexuality and PolyamoryWhat do we know about bi-poly individuals specifically? In 2003, this author conducted the first large-scale exploratory study on the identity development of bisexual and polyamorous people (Weitzman, in press). Findings from this research will be briefly summarized below, and some more recently analyzed portions of the data will be discussed as well.From August 2003 to February 2004, 2169 people responded to a 54-question web-based survey that included both multiple choice and essay questions about the experiences of bi-poly people (Weitzman, in press). The mean age of participants was 34. 66% of the participants were female, 86% were Caucasian, and 83% were from the United States. 49% identified themselves as being mostly attracted to members of another gender (Kinsey 1 and 2), 30% were attracted equally to members of their own gender and to members of another gender (Kinsey 3), and 16% said that they were attracted more to members of their own gender than to members of another gender (Kinsey 4 and 5).Of the participants in this study, 54% had identified as monogamous at an earlier time in their lives, while 36% said that they had never preferred monogamy at any point in their lives. Most of the respondents lived with a single partner (57%) or alone (35%), and most of the rest of the participants lived with multiple romantic partners in a group household (7.5%). More than half of the respondents were not out to their parents as being bisexual (52%) or polyamorous (59%); over two-thirds weren’t out to their extended families as being bisexual (71%) or polyamorous (79%).There is an old stereotype that all bisexual people feel the need to simultaneously date members of more than one gender group (Sumpter, 1991). Contradicting this stereotype, Weitzman (in press) found that 70% of the responding participants felt that it did not matter to them whether their lovers were of the same or different gender from one another at any given time. Further along these lines, 50% of the responding participants stated that their preference for polyamory did not stem from a desire to simultaneously date members of more than one gender group; 34% said that a desire to date people from more than one gender group was just one among several factors in their choice of polyamory; and only 12% identified the desire to simultaneously date people from more than one gender group as the main motivating factor in their choice of polyamory. In summary, many polyamorous bisexuals simply do not regard gender as a primary factor when choosing their intimate partners, although there is a significant minority for whom it is important to be intimate with people from more than one gender group.Another old stereotype is that bisexual and polyamorous people are at high risk for catching and spreading sexually transmitted diseases (Sumpter, 1991; West, 1996). Weitzman (in press) asked participants to state whether they had ever been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease, and if so whether this diagnosis occurred before or after they entered their first polyamorous relationship. 75% stated that they had never been diagnosed with herpes, genital warts, HPV, trichomoniasis, gonorrhea, HIV, chlamydia, or syphilis. In comparing this finding with The Alan Guttmacher Institute’s (1993) finding that one in four Americans will contract a sexually transmitted disease in their lifetime, it would appear that bisexual and polyamorous people are no more at risk for STDs than is the general population. In fact, for some of the STDs, such as HIV, herpes and trichomoniasis, the rate of occurrence in the bi-poly study sample was found to be significantly lower than the national adult prevalence rate for those diseases within the mainstream. Further, among the study participants who had been diagnosed with an STD, two-thirds noted that their diagnoses had occurred within the context of earlier monogamous relationships – prior to their beginning a polyamorous lifestyle.As noted, this study is the first to specifically examine the experiences of bi-poly people. Hence, some of the questions were open-ended ones that called for participants’ narratives. The aim was to bring forth a wide range of participants’ experiences, rather than attempt to reduce those experiences into median aggregate trends. One such question was, “Do you know of any experiences which are unique to people who are both bisexual and polyamorous, that people who are straight/gay and polyamorous do not experience?” What follows are findings that have not been previously analyzed or reported.A number of respondents listed specific benefits to being part of the bi-poly community. One is the opening of more relationship doors – there is a freedom in not needing to eliminate potential partner choices on the basis of their gender. There is also more freedom to speak openly about the full range of one’s attractions and fantasies – both to one’s existing partner and to new people who strike one’s fancy. One respondent noted, “Some straight or gay men might be bothered that their partner wants to sleep with a woman – a bi man won’t.” Similarly, some straight and gay people feel uncomfortable when someone who isn’t compatible with their own orientation develops a crush on them, and that is less likely to occur if a bi-poly person is the object of one’s affections.Another benefit is the ability to form relationship triads (quads, and so forth) of any gender combination. Many respondents described mixed-gender, multi-partner lovemaking as a transcendent experience, using such terms as “experiencing the power of yin and yang together.” One respondent wrote: “Lying in love with friends of both sexes, sharing love between them… I found myself glad that I am what I am, so I could enjoy it to the fullest.” Others noted that there is an ease that comes when all combinations are possible and it doesn’t matter who touches whom during group lovemaking.Some bisexual polyamorous people revel in the differences between the genders, while others revel in surpassing gender limitations. Statements from the former group include: “I enjoy getting to know the differences in how each gender makes love,” “I can express different sides of myself with people of different genders,” “I have the chance to learn from both sexes about the needs and desires of both sexes in love,” and “I use different relationship strategies depending on the gender of the person that I am dating.” In contrast, non-gender-emphasizing bi-poly people feel that: “There are not really masculine and feminine traits, but human traits,” and “I can view any individual for the possibilities that they provide, rather than the limitations that they present.”Bisexuality can help to bridge the gap when one partner prefers polyamory and another prefers monogamy. If the polyamory-preferring partner is bisexual, then the compromise of gender monogamy is available. In gender monogamy, it is agreed that the polyamory-preferring partner won’t date anyone else of the monogamy-preferring partner’s gender. For instance, a straight female woman might give her bisexual male partner permission to experiment with other men, but not with other women.Polyamory also allows bisexual people to be more visible as such. When a man is seen with his male partner, others assume that he is gay. When a man is seen with his female partner, others assume that he is straight. However, if a man is known to have both a male partner and a female partner, fewer misassumptions will be made.A number of trends were observed which, while not unique to the bi-poly community, are reportedly more prevalent therein. Respondents experienced a higher level of communication around relationship needs and boundaries in the bi-poly community than they did within the mainstream. The culture of the bi-poly community is one in which there is a lot of emphasis on processing and stating one’s desires up front. Also reported was a strong sense of extended community – a wide kinship network of primary and secondary partnerships, within which exists a powerful support group.Respondents also noted that within the bi-poly community there is a higher degree of acceptance for peoples’ differences than there is within the mainstream. This includes acceptance for different body types and for different forms of sexual / gender expression, such as transgender preference and participation in bdsm. In fact, approximately 51% of the study respondents reported an interest in bdsm, which is substantial in comparison to the 5-10% prevalence of BDSM interest in the general population (The Kinsey Institute, 2001).There are some negative experiences common to bi-poly people as well. One is the feeling of being doubly stigmatized, since both bisexual and polyamorous people are misperceived as “loose,” “confused” and “unable to choose” by the mainstream. Some bi-poly people feel guilt at reinforcing the myth that “all bisexual people are polyamorous.” In fact, only 54% of the bisexual people in Page’s (2004) study reported a preference for polyamory.Some bi-poly people simultaneously encounter prejudice from their gay friends about their other-gender partners and prejudice from their straight friends about their same-gender partners. This can be isolating. Another commonly encountered misperception is that the same-sex relationship is the less important one in the MMF or FFM triad. As one respondent noted, “People assume that the two women aren’t romantic and that the primary interest is around the male – even if the women were together first.”Legal and biological gender-inequities can also create imbalances in the bi-poly relationship. For instance, in a MMF triad, in most countries and states/provinces, there can only be a legal marriage between the woman and one of the men, not between the two men. This can cause resentment within the triad. There might also be resentment when the triad decides to have a baby and there comes the need to choose which of the men will impregnate the woman first.Counseling Polyamorous ClientsWhy Do Polyamorous Folks Seek Psychotherapy?Most polyamorous people who seek therapy do so for reasons unrelated to polyamory. They are people who happen to be in polyamorous relationships, who wish to talk about the usual therapy concerns – anxiety, anger management, and so forth. The therapist’s job is to simply welcome the client’s diversity, and to assume that the client’s polyamory is working well for them unless there’s specific reason to think otherwise. Sometimes polyamorous people are happy with their lifestyle but seek guidance on how to manage it more smoothly. The therapist’s role here is to assist them in articulating their needs, and to help partners negotiate their relationship agreements and process their experiences. Very occasionally, the therapist will encounter polyamorous clients who do not have the skills to manage polyamory in a healthy way, and for whom the attempt brings more pain than joy to their lives. It is reasonable to assess this, and to ask these clients to give serious thought to whether the benefits of polyamory outweigh their pain. Later in this chapter, some signs of badly mismanaged polyamory will be identified.Milestones in Polyamory, and Associated Growth TasksComing out to oneself. There are many milestones along the path of polyamorous identity development. The first is the process of coming out to oneself about one’s interest in a polyamorous lifestyle – similar to the coming out process that is experienced by bisexual, lesbian, transgender and gay people. There is a recognition that one’s identity is changing along with one’s romantic preferences, and that one’s evolution is taking a different path from what the mainstream of society expects. There is often a search for a community of other polyamorous people, where similar ideals and compatible dating partners may be found.The therapist can help the client to process their feelings about their changing identity. The client may be feeling excitement at the new pathways that are opening in their life, and the therapist may be among the first to hear and validate this joy. It is also possible that the client may feel shame at being different from what society expects. The therapist can help to normalize their orientation, by offering statistics about how prevalent polyamory is, and by suggesting books and websites about polyamory.Sometimes people who realize that they are polyamorous do so before they have ever met other polyamorous people. They may not know the word polyamory, or realize that there is a large polyamorous subculture. The therapist can help the newly identified poly client to locate resources such as local polyamory social groups or online mailing lists. Some people will embrace this; others may not yet feel ready to seek out this community. The therapist can help such clients to grow in that readiness, if desired.Coming out to a partner. In an ideal world, when the newly identified polyamorous person was ready to start dating, they would seek lovers who were also polyamorous. But some people realize that they are polyamorously inclined when they are all ready involved in a monogamous relationship. So, a second milestone that some polyamorous folks experience is the stage of disclosing their preference for polyamory to their current partner.Some people anticipate that their partner will be open-minded and not condemn their preference of polyamory, even if the desire is not a shared one. Others fear that their partner will be very angry with them for wanting to explore this – perhaps even to the point of leaving. As society often equates monogamy with emotional commitment, the partner may not understand how the poly-identified person could both love them and wish to share intimacy with someone else. So, the disclosure of one’s preference for polyamory can itself be a risk. A therapist can help the newly-poly-identified client to decide whether and how to share this information with their partner. Some people choose not to risk their partner’s anger, turning away from their preferred lifestyle instead. Therapists can help clients to cope with the sense of grief and loss that this choice brings.When the poly-identified person does disclose their preference to their partner, their next task is to cope with the response of their partner. This may involve anger, insecurity or blame. This is often a good time for couples therapy, to help the couple process their feelings and choose which next steps to take. Some partners are adamant that they will never embrace this lifestyle, and do not wish to hear about it any further. The poly-identified person must then make the wrenching choice between their preferred lifestyle and the partner whom they love dearly. The therapist can assist the client in processing whether to remain monogamous within the current relationship or whether to leave the relationship to pursue a polyamorous lifestyle.Some partners are willing to learn more about polyamory even if they aren’t sure that they could ever feel comfortable living that way. They are able to validate the poly-identified partner’s desires, and they may agree to read some books on polyamory or talk to more people who are polyamorous, to get a broader sense of what polyamory is. They might not give the polyamorous person permission to date outside the relationship, but at least the polyamorous identity, interest, and fantasies need not be hidden from them.Sometimes, the monogamously-inclined partner will consider offering limited permissions to the polyamorously-inclined partner. The polyamorous partner may be allowed to have liaisons when out of town on a business trip, or online sex with people who live far away. There may be a “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule that allows them to date someone else if they do so discreetly. If they are bisexual, a gender-monogamy agreement may be made. The therapist can help the couple to see if any such limited compromises are possible, and to negotiate the terms of such.Partners’ interests in polyamory. Sometimes the partner also becomes interested in pursuing a polyamorous lifestyle. Here begins the third milestone – negotiating the parameters of an open relationship. This phase is important whenever a new polyamorous relationship is forged, even for partners who all have prior experience with polyamory. Each person brings different desires, boundaries, and expectations to the relationship, and the therapist can help the clients to speak openly of their needs and cooperate in finding compromises.A myriad of different choices must be made for each polyamorous relationship. The first is how slowly to take the process, based on each partner’s comfort levels. Sometimes going slowly means that permission is only given at first to cuddle and kiss with others, rather than launching right into the full sexual spectrum. Sometimes there are limits on how often a new lover can be seen, such as once a month. Sometimes there is an agreement to first pursue a threesome, so that nobody feels left out. The therapist can help the partners to consider where their comfort levels lie as their exploration into polyamory progresses. They can also encourage the partners to agree in advance on what they would do if one partner wanted to resume monogamy after having tried polyamory.The therapist can also help the couple to consider what type of relationship to have. Will there be a swinging relationship, where two couples meet every now and then to swap partners for a night? Will there be a primary-secondary model, in which the original couple retains primary partnership, or will it be a non-hierarchical arrangement, in which no distinctions are made as to which partner comes first? Is there a desire to ultimately have a poly-family, in which a few partners form a household all together?Third, are new lovers subject to the approval of the existing partners? If so, the therapist can help the couple decide what is proper grounds for a veto. Some couples agree that vetoing must only occur when there is reason to believe that a new lover poses a specific threat to the relationship, and that mere insecurities (“She’s so pretty! What if my partner thinks that she’s better looking than I am?”) aren’t adequate reason to veto.Specific categories of people are sometimes declared off-limits for dating, such as best friends or exes. Some gay people ask their bisexual primary partners to date only members of the same gender, so that heterosexual privilege does not enter their lives. Some people of color prefer that their partners only date those who are experienced with racial-ethnic minority group membership. The therapist can help the partners to discuss their experiences with prejudice and privilege as they navigate these decisions.Fourth is the issue of scheduling. One’s capacity to love may be infinite, but the number of open evenings in a week is not. How many nights in a week, how many weekends in a month, how many vacations is it okay for one’s partner to take with their secondary? People vary widely in their time needs. The primary partners should feel secure in the amount of attention that they are giving to one another. Some primary partners schedule plentiful “date time” together before making plans with other lovers. It is also important to give secondary lovers a clear sense of how much time they can regularly expect. Two nights a week? One day per month? A second day per month if the time is spent in platonic activities while watching the kids?How much will the partners socialize with each other’s lovers? Do they wish to meet each other’s lovers? Should a prospective lover be ‘brought home to meet the family’ before intimacy is allowed to occur? Will the partners socialize frequently with each other’s lovers, to grow familiarity and trust all around? It is often helpful for partners to be on friendly terms with each others’ lovers, because a reserve of goodwill can be a lifesaving lubricant in the negotiation wheel at times when, say, one’s primary partner’s 45^th birthday and one’s secondary partner’s med school graduation coincide.Many partners have rules around sex. Foremost is the question of safer sex boundaries. Is latex to be used with all lovers? For penetrative sex only, or for oral sex as well? What kinds of STD tests are required of new lovers, and how often? What restrictions will be placed on sex if anyone does have an STD? What birth control methods will be used, and what will happen if a secondary lover becomes pregnant by (or inseminates) one of the primary partners? Sex can be hard for people to discuss, and the therapist can help the partners to work through any shame they may feel in discussing sex and STDs. The partners may also wish advice on how to assert their safer sex boundaries.Sacredness of sexuality also comes into play. Some primary couples reserve specific sexual acts for themselves, such as body fluid monogamy (non-latex sex), penetrative sex or bdsm play. Some couples have rules about whether their bed can be used for sex with other lovers – for some people a bed is sacred space, whereas for others it’s simply useful furniture. Some people will gallantly sleep on the couch when their primary partner is entertaining a lover in the bedroom overnight, whereas others don’t wish to be anywhere in the vicinity when their primary partner is making love to another.Further along physical privacy lines – some people love to hear the juicy details of their partners’ soirees with a lover, while others have a strong desire Not To Know. And then there’s the issue of public displays of affection. Is it okay to share a kiss with one’s secondary lover in the presence of one’s primary partner? There are no wrong or right answers to these questions – caring negotiation and compromise are key.Another issue is the balancing of primary and secondary needs. Does a secondary lover have any rights in the relationship? Supposing that Wednesday nights are one’s standing date night with one’s secondary lover, but one’s primary partner has a really bad day at work one Wednesday and needs care. Will the secondary lover be granted a different date night that week, to make up for the lost one? Likewise, if the secondary lover is sick and needs some caring for on a Tuesday, can they request this?Secondary lovers sometimes set their own boundaries upon the relationship. Take the case of Yoshiko, Keisha, and Randall. Yoshiko and Keisha are primary partners, and Randall is Keisha’s secondary lover. Randall has been without a primary partner for over a year, and he really wants to meet someone to settle down and have a family with. Keisha may ask of him that he look for partners within the polyamory community, so that their secondary relationship can continue once he finds a primary partner of his own. But Randall may be “poly-fluid” (able to be either polyamorous or monogamous), and he may wish to look for primary partners within a wider dating field. Keisha may have to accept the fact that she and Randall will no longer be lovers if he meets a prospective life partner who prefers monogamy. These are important parameters to discuss early on.Secondary partners have needs of their own, especially when they do not have a primary partner themselves. Some enjoy living in an independent, bachelor style. Others feel lonely without a primary of their own, and wish that they could have more of their lover’s time. The counselor can help the primary-less secondary partner to cope with some of these feelings, and to build emotionally sustaining community ties.How “out” to be. A fourth milestone is deciding how “out” to be about one’s polyamory to the non-polyamorous people in one’s life. Many polyamorous people have been shunned for their lifestyle choices – by family, friends, workplace supervisors, teachers, and clergy. People have lost jobs and had their custody of their children challenged because they were polyamorous. The decision about whether to come out to any given person is based on many factors, such as the person’s open-mindedness, their ability to keep the information private, the beliefs and laws of the community, and the risk factors involved in being out.Some people prefer to be out, while others are more private. Partners may have different perceptions of the risks involved in being out. The therapist can help them to understand each other’s needs, and to negotiate their boundaries of disclosure. The therapist can also help them to decide how and when they wish to come out to the people in their lives, and help them to cope with any rejection that they may receive.When the partners are not out, some difficult decisions can arise. If Keisha’s office has a picnic where partners are welcome, does she bring Yoshiko or Randall? At Keisha’s graduation party, will Randall be introduced to the family as a lover or as a “friend?” If three partners raise a child together, do they tell the child not to mention the third parent to their teacher? If so, how do they help their child to reconcile the pride that the child feels in their family with the shame that this secrecy implies? The therapist can help the poly family to navigate the intense emotions that these situations can bring.Including additional partners. The fifth milestone is the inclusion of additional partners in the primary bond. Not all polyamorous couples take this step – some are happy to remain primary only to each other, above all other partners. But sometimes three or four or more people fall in love together and form a family unit in which each of the dyadic relationships are equal in status. This type of bond brings new challenges and new decisions to make.The family needs to decide whether to be a polyfidelitous family unit, or whether the partners may take other lovers. They also need to decide whether to move in together. It can be a challenge to find a big house in a neighborhood that doesn�t have difficult zoning laws about how many unrelated adults can reside in a single unit. Next are issues about dividing the space. Will all of the adults sleep in one bed, and can a large enough bed be found? Who sleeps next to whom? How are privacy needs met? Or is there a preference for different combinations of partners and bedrooms on different nights? The therapist can help the partners negotiate this such that all partners’ needs are met.How will finances be handled? Will incomes be pooled, or kept separate? Are purchases made individually or by consensus? Do all adults pay equal shares of the expenses, or are shares proportionate to income, bedroom size, or chores contribution? Do partners with kids pay more household expenses? Are only the biological parents considered to be the child’s parents, or all of the household adults? In case of a breakup, who will the children live with? How will financial and property resources be divided? It is vital for these agreements to be formalized prior to cohabitation.While the partners considers themselves to be a family unit, the law does not. Hospitals may decline poly household members the right to visit their non-legal spouse or their non-biological / non-legally-adopted child in intensive care. Health insurance companies won’t insure one’s second spouse, and some even ask same-sex domestic partners to state that they are monogamous in order to qualify for inclusion within family insurance plans (Barillas, 1997; Bricker, 2003). Third parents have no legally recognized child visitation rights in the event of a breakup, no matter how many years they have devoted to co-raising the child from infancy. A poly-friendly lawyer can assist the family in drawing up legal contracts regarding shared property and child-care authority.Smaller issues also arise. On a car trip, which partner gets the front seat? If two partners want Indian food but the third wants Ethiopian for dinner, how do individual needs get balanced with group needs? Does one partner always defer to other peoples’ wishes? Does another partner routinely take up more emotional space in a given situation? The therapist can help the partners to navigate some of the family-of-origin role issues that underlie these decisions, and to learn compromise and consensus skills.When Might a Client Be Mismanaging Polyamory?Most polyamorous people value their partners’ safety and happiness, and work hard to consider everyone’s feelings and needs. This can sometimes be a challenging balancing act, however. Here are some signs of “mismanaged polyamory” that the therapist can keep an eye out for, and (if noticed) help the client to navigate past.A common pitfall is to get so caught up in New Relationship Energy that one forgets to pay romantic attention to one’s existing partners. Sometimes this involves over-scheduling. Yoshiko may feel resentful if Keisha goes out with Randall 5 nights in one week. The therapist can help the partners to set more appropriate boundaries.Sometimes quality of time, rather than quantity, is the issue. One often lives with one’s primary partner and sees one’s secondary partner outside of the home. This can create an imbalance of “carefree dates” with the secondary partner vs. after-work house-chores time with the primary partner. It is important that the primary partners also take a good number of date nights together, to enjoy fun or romance. One should also remember to do sweet little things regularly for one’s primary partner – that suggestive little email at lunchtime, a flower bought on the way home. The therapist can help the primary couple discover new ways of courting so as to increase their romantic energy.A related pitfall is taking more lovers than one has time for. If one all ready has primary and secondary partners, then one needs to consider how much ongoing attention one can realistically offer the thrilling new person whom one met at the sci-fi convention. Yoshiko and Randall may not mind if Keisha sees Elizabeth once every month, but both may balk if Keisha wants to give Elizabeth one date night a week. Ideally, Keisha would talk about this with Elizabeth, so that Elizabeth didn’t get hurt. “I’d love to go out with you once in a while – but, given my time commitments, I probably could only see you once a month.” Therapists can help partners to agree on time boundaries.Another common pitfall is to rush too quickly into polyamory. The reality of polyamory is more complicated than the theory. One may feel overwhelmed by the emotions that come up the first time that one’s partner merely flirts with someone else. It is important to keep a firm finger on the pulse of one’s comfort levels with each gradual step – the first attraction, the first kiss, the first time sleeping together, the first night away from home, the first long weekend trip together. Polyamory should be embarked on as a very slow process, and it is okay to pause at one stage before going further. A truism in the poly community is that one should go as slow as the most cautious partner is ready to go. Rushing the process will only lead to pain and feeling overwhelmed. Going slowly will help the partners to build trust, and this can help ready one to try subsequent stages. The therapist can help the partners to draw up a list of stages, and to periodically discuss how ready they feel to go to the next stage. The slower partner can be helped to examine his or her fears about going further. The faster partner can be helped to cope with their impatience at the pace and their regrets over missed opportunities.Another common pitfall is the mistaken belief, “I shouldn’t feel jealousy.” Jealousy is normal to feel, and can be used as a touchstone for examining one’s inner needs. Does one need a bit of extra snuggling? Reassurance of one’s attractiveness? A thinking-of-you call when one’s partner is out with their secondary? Therapists can teach partners how to express and soothe jealousy in constructive ways.For example, Yoshiko may feel uncomfortable after seeing Keisha hold hands with Randall at a party. If Yoshiko isn’t versed in assertiveness skills, she might hold her feelings in until they burst out in more dramatic fashion than she intended – “You’ve been with her all day, and haven’t touched based with me once! Don’t you care about me?” A more constructive way to express this would be to say calmly, “Hey, I’m feeling a bit lonesome right now. Would it be okay with you two if I borrowed Keisha back for 15 minutes of snuggle time? I promise I’ll send her back right after that.” Note the use of feelings and I-statements, and a reasonable request. Therapists can help partners to learn good communication skills such as these. They can also validate that feelings and needs are vital to share. Many people worry that they will be a burden to their partner if they ask for more time, attention, or reassurance. But most partners are happy to be asked, and prefer this to being resented by a partner whose needs haven’t been met.Another poly pitfall is the overuse of veto power. Is one partner vetoing each prospective lover that the other brings home? The therapist can help the partner to look at the root causes of their insecurity, and to figure out what reassurances are needed.Triangulation is another potential pitfall. If Keisha has an issue with something that Yoshiko did, does she talk to Yoshiko directly, or does she only vent to Randall? Of even greater concern is the instance in which someone takes on a secondary relationship to compensate for the fact that their needs are not getting met in their primary relationship. When there is deep dissatisfaction in the primary relationship, then the primary partners need to give their relationship attention, through joint efforts to increase communication, intimacy and trust. The therapist can assist in this process.A related trouble spot is when someone compares their primary relationship unfavorably to their newer secondary one, while failing to take into account that the demands on each relationship are different. Secondary relationships are often full of numinous spark, but they are spared the trials of having to live in close quarters with another person. Primary relationships are longer-standing. The relationship is valued for its depth, its trust, and its supportiveness, but it is not quite as shiny as it once was. The blush of first romance has often faded to friendly companionability. People who are new to polyamory sometimes note this contrast and wonder if their secondary partner might not be a better match for them. The therapist can help the partners to remember that the New Relationship Energy between secondaries will likely lessen over time, transforming into a relationship that is valued for its old dearness moreso than for its luster – just like the primary relationship has. It is also important for the therapist to help the primary partners to rekindle sparks in their relationships on a regular basis, as mentioned earlier.Other poly relationship dangers involve codependent habits. Some people have trouble saying “no,” and fall into the habit of saying “yes” to whichever partner is in front of them. Suppose Yoshiko is adamant that Keisha not have unprotected oral sex with Randall, so as to reduce the risk of STD’s. But Randall really wants to share oral sex with Keisha, and he mentions this frequently in bed. Keisha will need to say no to one of them, if a compromise cannot be found. She may feel tempted to have unprotected oral sex with Randall and not tell Yoshiko. Dishonesty is a sign that something is going seriously awry. The therapist can help Keisha to assert instead – to say no to Randall, or to negotiate different boundaries with Yoshiko. The therapist can also assist in finding creative compromises. If Randall agreed to be tested for STD’s and to take no other partners for the time being, would Yoshiko allow he and Keisha to share unprotected oral sex then?Sometimes a client has all ready been dishonest. A common scenario is this one: A new client comes in, who is in an ostensibly monogamous marriage – but the client has in fact been having an affair on the side. Recently, the client heard of polyamory, and the lifestyle appeals to them greatly. They want to know if the therapist can help them to convince their monogamous partner to enter into a polyamorous agreement, so that they don’t have to give up the lover with whom they have been unfaithful.The therapist may experience strong feelings about the client’s deceit. They can express compassion for the client’s desire to be close with both of their lovers, as well as for their grief at not having heard of the possibility of polyamory prior to entering into a monogamous relationship. The client must be told, however, that the odds are very much against their partner being willing to enter into polyamory after the affair has been revealed. The partner likely will feel deeply betrayed upon hearing of the affair, and if they don’t break up with the client, they will likely want them to sever ties with the illicit lover. The client will have a steep road towards regaining their partner’s trust. While there have been cases in which a betrayed partner does come to empathize with the client’s desire for polyamory, and even rarer ones in which the partner agrees (after much trust-rebuilding) to try polyamory, this is not usually the outcome. The therapist can help the client to weigh their options, and to learn how to live honestly rather than deceptively.Ending Polyamorous RelationshipsPolyamorous relationships end for a number of reasons. Most often, they end for the same reasons that monogamous relationships end (Ramey, 1975; Rubin and Adams, 1986) – differing needs, falling out of love, and so forth. The partners may need extra support during this time, as they may feel shame that they weren’t able to make the relationship work. Often a polyamorous person has been a “representative for polyamory” among their monogamous friends, and they may fear that their more skeptical friends will take the ending of their relationship as evidence that polyamory isn’t a viable lifestyle. Of course, when a monogamous relationship ends, it is not typically interpreted as evidence that monogamy is not a viable lifestyle. Likewise, the ending of a polyamorous union does not signify that polyamory is unviable. The therapist can help the client to see through this double standard, and express it to their friends. The therapist can also help the client decide whether they would like to remain polyamorous in future relationships.Polyamorous ex-partners are not limited to the usual options of “stay together or break up.” There are times when primary partners realize that they no longer wish to focus the largest part of their energy on one another, but they still would like to remain emotionally and sexually a part of one another’s lives. People in this situation sometimes take the middle ground approach of “de-intensifying” the relationship, wherein they transition from primary to secondary status in each other’s lives. They still spend time together and value their longstanding bond, but their commitment to one another is less.Sometimes a troubled primary couple decides to stay together, but to become monogamous once again. The therapist can help the couple to work through this decision, to grieve for any secondary relationships that ended due to this decision, and to feel okay with their choice to resume a monogamous lifestyle. The secondary lovers may also need support, as it can hurt deeply to be shut out of the primary partners’ relationship sphere.Counselor ConsiderationsTherapists should consider how the setting and the structure of counseling will best accommodate the polyamorous individuals and families for whom they want to provide mental health services . Logistically, it is important that the office waiting area have enough chairs for the family to wait in prior to their session. Also, the members of a poly-family might all want to share the same large couch during therapy, just as a monogamous couple might want to sit close together during their session.Length of session is also something to consider. Fifty minutes may be too short for a poly-family of three or more, since each partner needs a chance to weigh in on the issues. A longer session can also help the poly-family attend twice a month rather than weekly, to accommodate the partners’ varying work schedules. Also, the partners might be coming to the session from work, rather than arriving together, and they may need to take some time at the beginning of the session to check in on how they all are doing.Even with longer session times, there still may not be time in each session to give enough attention to all of the intra-family dynamics that may be at play. Sometimes an issue will involve the whole family; at other times, the issue is more a factor for a subset of the family. The therapist might be open to the possibility of different configurations of the poly-family being present at different sessions, as feels appropriate to each situation.Where is the counselor’s focus during sessions? Are one partner’s needs getting more airtime than the others’? Do one partner’s concerns fade into the background during each session? Is there a pull to take sides? Who does the counselor typically sit facing?Ads and forms should be as welcoming as possible to polyamorous clientele. Polyamory can be listed among one’s specialties. Poly-friendly language on intake forms encourages clients to disclose their orientations. “Name/s of partner/s” instead of “Name of spouse,” is one possibility. Another is, “Check any of these identities that apply to you: Bisexual _ Lesbian _ Gay _ Transgender _ Heterosexual _ Polyamorous _ Leather _ Other _.” A client who does not feel such a welcome may conceal their polyamorous orientation (Weber, 2002), decreasing the therapeutic effectiveness and rapport.The counselor who sees polyamorous clients is often unique among her peers. Relatively few counselors have heard of polyamory, and fewer still have worked with polyamorous clients. Some colleagues will be eager to learn more. The poly-affirming counselor has the opportunity to be a leader among her peers, educating other therapists about how to work with poly clientele. Other colleagues may express prejudice against the concept of polyamory, and they may even express prejudice against the counselor who affirms the validity of the polyamorous lifestyle. Also, consultation groups in which the other professionals are polyamory-aware are hard to find.In the Appendix, some resources are listed that can help polyamorous professionals network with one another. Also listed are some resources that provide further education about polyamory. It is vital for the poly-friendly therapist to take on as much education as possible about polyamory. This will not likely come from one’s grad school or from continuing education courses, but rather from books, online forums, and including polyamorous people in one’s own social networks. Consultations with other poly-friendly counselors can also augment the therapist’s ability to serve their poly clientele.Some poly-friendly counselors are polyamorous themselves. It is important for the polyamorous therapist to give careful consideration to small community issues as she pursues her own social life. Counselors may choose to discuss with their poly clients the possibility that they will run into each other at a poly event, and discuss how to navigate that possibility in a way that feels comfortable to both parties.ConclusionInformation about the lifestyles and counseling needs of the polyamorous community has been presented here. Some readers may be interested in learning more, and may feel eager to welcome polyamorous clients to their practice. Other readers may feel conflicted about how polyamory fits in with religious admonishments towards monogamy, or with mainstream social mores. Some therapists worry that if polyamory became widely accepted, then their own monogamous partners may take an interest in it.It is vitally important for counselors to examine their own attitudes towards polyamory and face any fears about it that they might have, before they begin to work with polyamorous clientele. Polyamorous clients will pick up on subtle cues of disapproval, and those will impact the quality of their counseling experience. There is no shame in referring a client on to a more experienced counselor, if one does not yet feel ready to support polyamorous clients in their lifestyle choices.Therapists who work extensively with the bisexual community should be aware that they will almost certainly encounter some clients who live a polyamorous lifestyle, given the significant proportion of bisexual individuals in this population who prefer polyamory (Page, 2004). It is doubly important for counselors to work through their feelings about polyamory – perhaps via their own psychotherapy – and to pursue relevant training so as to be able to offer informed, affirming psychotherapy services to their bisexual polyamorous clientele.

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Keywords:

Polyamory, polyamorous, open relationships, open marriage, non-monogamy, bisexuality, bisexual, counseling, therapy, psychotherapy.